Adoption can be a beautiful journey, but it’s not always a successful one. According to national statistics, 10 to 25% of adoptions are disrupted before they are legally finalized, and 1 to 5% of finalized adoptions end in dissolution — leaving children in a heartbreaking cycle of instability. While many factors contribute to these outcomes, one of the most significant is why prospective parents choose to adopt in the first place.
Some motivations for adoption are outright problematic, while others are misunderstood but not inherently wrong. The key difference between wrong reasons to adopt a baby and simple misunderstandings lies in whether the motivation is rooted in unrealistic expectations, personal fulfillment at the child’s expense, or a lack of readiness.
Over the past decade, studies have shown that adoptive parents’ initial motivations strongly influence adoption success rates, affecting attachment, family dynamics, and long-term stability. This guide explores nine common but flawed reasons to adopt an infant, including adopting to “fix” a marriage, seeking financial incentives, or feeling pressured by family or religious beliefs.
The Psychology Behind Adoption Motivations
Prospective adoptive parents typically have clear, conscious reasons for pursuing adoption, which is especially noticeable during home studies. These reasons usually include a desire to expand their family, provide a loving home, or fulfill a lifelong dream of parenting. However, public reasons for adoption might not always match up with a parent’s true motivations.
While parents may state they want to “give a child a better life,” personal motivations such as overcoming infertility grief or meeting societal expectations may also play a role. Some people enter the adoption process believing love alone will resolve challenges or assuming adoption is the same as biological parenting. These are all examples of wrong reasons to adopt a baby.
Psychological influences from childhood can shape adoption motivations in ways parents may not fully realize. For instance, individuals who experienced neglect or loss in their own upbringing may subconsciously seek to “correct” the past through adoption. Generational trauma can also play a role, as family patterns of abandonment or unresolved grief may influence a person’s decision.
Additionally, personal struggles, such as low self-worth or difficulty with attachment, can impact an adoptive parent’s expectations and emotional readiness. Without awareness of these influences, prospective parents may adopt for the wrong reasons, which may lead to challenges in bonding and caregiving.
This is why adoption agencies and professionals use structured tools, such as a parent readiness questionnaire and clinical interviews, to assess a prospective parent’s true motivations. Red flags include unrealistic expectations, a reluctance to discuss challenges, and noticeable external pressures.
Meanwhile, mental health professionals will evaluate parental readiness, which will help prospective parents address past trauma and develop strong coping skills. Identifying these red flags helps with failed adoption prevention by ensuring families receive the appropriate education and support before moving forward.
Nine Common Problematic Motivations
In order to know whether you’re ready to move forward with an adoption, it’s important to be aware of the wrong reasons to adopt a baby. If you’re aware of them, you can watch for them in yourself and be ready to adjust your expectations as needed.
1. Religious or Social Pressure
Community and religious expectations can strongly influence adoption decisions. Pressure from faith-based teachings or societal norms may convince individuals to adopt even when they’re unsure about it. Signs of external influence include rushing decisions after major life events, adopting specific language about “saving” a child, and resisting preparation requirements.
2. Relationship Band-Aid
Some couples see adoption as a way to repair a struggling relationship. However, unresolved marital conflicts can lead to attachment difficulties and instability in adoption placements. Children need emotional security, and when adoption is used to strengthen a failing relationship, it often results in increased stress and co-parenting challenges.
3. Family Approval Seeking
Some individuals adopt to gain validation from parents, in-laws, or other family members. This motivation can lead to resentment if the child doesn’t meet their expectations. Parents driven by external validation may struggle with long-term commitment and may not fully embrace the complexities of adoption.
4. Infertility Grief Avoidance
Adopting too soon after fertility struggles can keep parents from experiencing true emotional healing. Parents may transfer their unprocessed infertility grief onto their adopted child, leading to feelings of inadequacy. Adoption should not be seen as a substitute for biological parenting, as this expectation can create tension in the parent-child relationship.
5. “Rescuing” a Child
While providing a loving home is commendable, adopting solely to “save” a child can create unrealistic expectations. Children need acceptance for who they are, not for how they fulfill a parent’s emotional needs. A rescue mindset can lead to disappointment when the child’s challenges do not fit expectations, making it one of the most damaging wrong reasons to adopt a baby.
6. Emotional Loneliness
Some individuals adopt because they feel lonely or unfulfilled. However, parenting is about more than just companionship — it demands resilience, patience, and stability. A child should not be expected to fill an emotional void; this can create pressure and affect the natural bonding process.
7. Financial Incentives
Some adoptive parents, particularly in foster-to-adopt situations, may focus on financial benefits such as subsidies or tax credits. Adoption should never be viewed as a financial opportunity. Beyond its ethical implications, this motivation can increase the risks of placement disruption.
8. Cultural or Ancestral Fulfillment
Some individuals pursue adoption to connect with a specific heritage or cultural background. While cultural appreciation is valuable, adopting for this reason alone can overlook a child’s individual needs and identity and create unrealistic expectations about shared experiences.
9. Pressure from a Partner
When one spouse is eager to adopt, but the other is hesitant, this can be a trigger for problems down the road. A reluctant parent may struggle with bonding, which can affect the child’s sense of security. Adoption decisions should be mutual, well-discussed, and free from coercion to prevent long-term regret.
Identifying Your True Motivations
Before pursuing adoption, evaluate yourself to make sure you aren’t holding onto any wrong reasons to adopt a baby. Are you emotionally prepared for the lifelong responsibilities of parenting? Is your relationship stable enough to withstand the stresses of adoption?
Financial preparation is also essential for failed adoption prevention — adoption fees, medical care, and long-term child-rearing costs can add up and contribute to stress if you don’t have a plan for handling them. Additionally, you should also assess your support system. Do you have family, friends, or community resources to help navigate challenges?
If you’re adopting with a partner, it’s important to have some honest conversations. Making sure your core values line up can help make sure you share similar views on parenting approaches, discipline, and family priorities. Discussing your parenting philosophies can also help determine how you will handle challenges like education, healthcare, and emotional development.
Cultural competency is another important element, especially in transracial or international adoption. Can you support a child’s identity while respecting their background? Adoption is a lifelong commitment, requiring both partners to be equally dedicated and prepared.
Adoption professionals will assess mental health readiness throughout the adoption process. They’ll make sure prospective parents have processed past grief and trauma.
They’ll also evaluate the parents’ flexibility in expectations — adoptive parenting often brings unforeseen challenges, and parents should be able to adjust their expectations to fit these new scenarios. Crisis management skills are another important factor. Ensuring parents can handle setbacks and adjust to their child’s evolving needs can help prevent failed adoptions.
Building Healthy Adoption Motivations
If you want to avoid the wrong reasons to adopt a baby, you’ll need to build qualities that support long-term success. Emotional resilience is one of the first qualities you’ll need, as adoptive parenting involves unique challenges like identity exploration and attachment development. Cultural humility can also ensure parents respect and embrace a child’s background appropriately.
Strong communication skills can help navigate tough dynamics like open adoption, co-parenting with birth families, or addressing a child’s questions. Meanwhile, a well-established support network (like family, friends, and adoption communities) provides key emotional and practical assistance. Without these traits, parents risk adopting for the wrong reasons.
Thorough preparation can also strengthen adoption readiness. Many agencies require prospective parents to complete education on trauma-informed parenting, transracial adoption, and developmental needs.
At the same time, gathering adoption resources such as books, support groups, and legal guidance can increase the agency’s confidence in your motivations. Building a reliable support system early, including therapists or adoption mentors, can also help you in the long term. You should also develop a realistic timeline, which can prevent rushed decisions and allow for careful planning.
There are also some practical steps you can take to ensure a smooth adoption process. Completing home study requirements, such as background checks and interviews, and organizing necessary documents (including financial records and medical clearances) avoids delays. Budgeting for adoption costs also prevents financial strain.
The Role of Professional Guidance
Adoption is a complex process, but going through it with an experienced counselor can help make it more approachable. For instance, adoption counselors help prospective parents navigate emotions, paperwork, and legal steps while watching for the wrong reasons to adopt a baby. Meanwhile, mental health professionals assist with grief processing, attachment challenges, and readiness assessments to support failed adoption prevention.
Social workers facilitate home studies, conduct interviews, and ensure compliance with adoption regulations. At the same time, support group facilitators connect adoptive families to provide peer support and shared experiences.
These professionals can guide parents through assessment processes and evaluate emotional readiness, stability, and motivation. Evaluation timelines can vary but typically include multiple interviews and home visits.
Required documentation you’ll need to gather includes financial statements, medical records, and background checks. You may find that ongoing support, such as post-adoption counseling and parenting education, is often necessary.
When choosing an adoption agency, review their credentials to make sure the guidance you receive comes from a reputable source. Checking licenses, certifications, and client reviews can also help you choose the best fit. Look for an agency with experience with adoption-specific challenges, as specialized knowledge improves the quality of the support you’ll receive.
Moving Forward Positively
Addressing the wrong reasons to adopt a baby early can help you be more prepared for the adoption process. Prospective parents should reflect on their motivations, seek professional input, and resolve any lingering doubts before proceeding. Open conversations with friends and family can help build a strong emotional foundation.
Building a solid support system increases your chances of long-term success. To build your support system, try joining adoption groups, consulting experienced adoptive parents, and attending educational workshops to learn valuable insights. Organizing your financial planning and legal preparation can also help prevent unnecessary stress.
To support the best chances of adoption success, make sure you set realistic expectations. Parenting an adopted child comes with both joys and challenges, and you’ll need to be patient and willing to learn on the go. Love alone is not enough to prevent a failed adoption, which is why developing a more prepared, resilient mindset is key.
Begin the Adoption Process Today
Adoption is a life-changing journey. To be successful, you’ll need thoughtful preparation, emotional resilience, and professional support. By learning the wrong reasons to adopt a baby, building a strong support system, and working with a team of professionals, parents can set themselves and their future child up for success.
If you’re interested in adopting a child, the first step is contacting an adoption agency to learn more about the process and your motivations. Contact Angel Adoption today for valuable resources on how to successfully expand your family through adoption.
